lj

hi how is everyone? i know that this is one of lj's site, but i don't really know which one. so.. exams next couple of weeks.. yay! *cough* bye now!

Now these interesting lifeforms are both the times to look forward to during high school, and is also the main cause of a girl's horomonal change. Now when I say horomonal change, I mean the kind when you're happy and excited, bragging how you have the greatest guy as your boyfriend, and then the next day you're crying your eyes out and complaining that everything is wrong. Now this not only confuses your 'oh so understanding' parents, it also scares them into thinking you might need some therapy. Now I don't know which is better: being happy or crying. I know that the obvious choice would be being happy. But hey, if you don't cry every so often during a realtionship, then might I suggest, that you stop living in your dream world and enter reality here. Boys are the corruption of everything normal. They're cute, hansome, kind, understanding, caring, and considerate. But we're talking about what is shown before you start to date him. Unfortunately for us girls, we not only need to figure how the guy will act when 'dating' occurs, but we also need to figure if we'll like the personality that will be presented one on one. I don't know about you, but I have found out the hard way, that guys treat us differently when they're not surrounded by their friends. I mean, what's with that? For some, when in front of friends, they like to act indifferent. Now, the reason for this is:
1) they hate it when you hang on him in front of his friends because he is paranoid. Meaning he thinks his friends will tease him (which is most likely true, but it shouldn't bother them what others think)

2) they want their friends to think that they are in control on the relationship. It's a total and complete control issue with them

3) there are way more but most follow along these lines; unless they just don't like you. Then, might I suggest that you confront them about it

The other scenario is that they hang all over you in front of friends and then give you less consideration when you two are alone. This occurs for a number of reasons. Here are only of a few that are commonly seen:

1) they hang on you in front of friends to show that you are his and no one elses

2) possession - you are like a trophy and obviously they are very proud of you. They enjoy showing you off and the constant following around shows that he is obsessed. Talk to the guy before it slides under the category of stalking.

Now not all guys are like this. You might be lucky to find one of those guys that are totally and absolutely sincere to you. If you do find a guy like this than I am very happy for you. Unfortunately for us girls, there aren't too many guys out there that are in touch with their feminine sides; this makes it harder to deal with them. But many believe that everyone has a halve. Another words, a soulmate. It may take lifetimes to find them, but when you do, don't take it for granted. Now to continue with my ranting on boys.
Have you ever heard the saying 'Women are from Venus, and men are from Mars'? Now there is a very simple explanation for this. Women, supposedly the gift to man, are beautiful and kind. Therefore we are portrayed after the goddess Aphrodite: goddess of love and beauty, or in Latin: Venus. Men on the other hand are. . .well, men. They are usually contented to fight, drink, and act like a total and complete idiot at times. The word for this would be 'macho' in their vocabulary. Obviously, they are portrayed after the god Ares: god of war, in Latin: Mars. So there is the reason for this saying. I could continue on with this discussion on boys, but after writing all of this, it would only become more insulting. Not that it has portrayed guys as the nicest creatures on the planet. Last but not least, a story to keep with you about the creation of man.
When God first created the planet, the only people that lived on it, were women. God had created these wonderful beings with 3 breasts. Now the women were greatly disturbed by this. They presented the concerns to their God, stating that they only needed 2. God, being as understanding as he is, removed the third breast from the women and gave it to them as a remembrance. Now this presented another problem. What were the women to do this extra breast? They asked God once again to do them a favor. The favor was this: if God could change this useless breast into something useful. With this request, God created man.
Hope this rant makes many of you girls out there feel better. Oh...by the way, any boys reading this, I am not saying all boys are like this. For all I know you could be a really nice guy...yeah.

Dear D,
There is no true definition for this form of torture. I don't know if teachers try to ruin and devastate our social lives, or if it comes naturally to them. Homework is a definate form of true evil and is on the top of the list when asked 'What did you hate most about high school?' On a scale from 1-10, homework is off the scale and is traveling down to Hell as we speak. I hate to break it to the administrators of the school, but we are teenagers, and homework is not a priority within our lives. No offense to any teachers I know, but you would think that having a degree from college would state that the possesser has the common intelligence to graduate. Obviously this is not true for most people. You would think that the word adult and teenager would be discerned as opposites...though, as obvious as this may seem, it is not always noticed. For one, when the homework is not completed, some teachers complain on how we are not being responsible adults. Right there is the common mix up. Teachers think of us as adults and not as our true form, teenagers: a wild and free spirit, old enough to be treated above the rank of a child, but young enough, to not be considered an adult. When you reach high school, the transition between child and teenager does not occur, but the transition between child and adult is the most common occurance. For all of the intelligent people that live in this world, you would think that this error would not occur, but it does. So all those misguided souls out there, live life to the fullest and remember that you are not an adult until you reach drinking age.

L

A menace to teenagers
vs.
The best years of our lives


Some people, after leaving high school, see those years as something that will always be remembered and enjoyed, or as something that is the reincarnation of evil in its purest form and derives pleasure in torturing those that are foolish enough to enter within its dark realm. *cough* *cough*, ummm. . .yeah. Well those are the two ways that people see high school. Pretty black and white. Since I have yet to graduate high school and am still caught within its confines, I do not have the privelege to tell you which one I see my high school experiences as. Right now I am stuck between limbo, or for those of you who are not yet corrupted by the the school education, half and half. Here are some reasons why I myself, am floating between corruption and the true spirit of the teenage soul.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is: God is crying. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is: Probably because of something you did.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons. (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions', and if you got a different 'impression', so what, can't we all be brothers?

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. It's impossible for them to be happy 24/7. I just know they are plotting something evil...

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.' It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say: Think again, bat man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says: 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, hmmm, boy.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page that you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go: Hey, I'm Vine Man.

Fun ways to order a Pizza

1. Ask if you can get a pizza with just crust, no toppings.
2. Call a delivery-only pizza store and insist on "dining in."
3. Using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
4. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Cheer if they say yes.
5. Use CB lingo where applicable.
6. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
7. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
8. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
9. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
10. Answer their questions with questions.
11. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
12. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
13. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from any Metallica CD.
14. Don't name the toppings you want - spell them out.
15. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
16. Stutter on the letter "p."
17. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. Order "The Edge" from Little Caesar's or a "Cheeser! Cheeser!" from Domino's)
18. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
19. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
20. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
21. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
22. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
23. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
24. Change your accent every three seconds.
25. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
26. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
27. Start your order with "I'd like...". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
28. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window."
29. Try to rent a pizza.
30. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
31. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
32. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
33. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
34. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
35. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
36. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
37. Imitate the order taker's voice.
38. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
39. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
40. Play a sitar in the background.
41. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
42. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
43. Ask to see a menu.
44. Quote Gandhi.
45. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
46. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
47. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
48. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
49. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
50. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
51. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost!" and "Great Scott!"
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
61. Try to talk while drinking something. Gargle.
62. Start the call with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!"
63. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
64. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
65. Be vague with your order.
66. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
67. Using a touch-tone phone, press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
68. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a hangup.
69. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
70. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza."
71. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
72. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
73. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
74. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
75. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.
76. Suggest an even trade.
77. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack- it pimple-faced gofer. Threaten to hit said gofer with a golf club.
78. Put them on hold.
79. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
80. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
81. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
82. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
83. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
84. Haggle.
85. Order a one-inch pizza.
86. Order term life insurance.
87. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
88. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
89. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
90. While on the phone, fake your voice changing. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
91. Engage in some serious swapping.
92. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
93. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
94. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
95. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
96. Order a steamed pizza.
97. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. Repeat every hour.
98. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging .
99. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "The last guy let me do it."
100. Ask if the pizza can be digested orally- if they say yes make an extremely loud sigh of relief into the reciever

Dear D,
I had my school ball, a couple of nights ago. I just realised that this is the first entry that I have posted on it. I would have thought that I written about it when I first asked Sam to come with me (scary moment). Well anyway, it was sooooo incredibly fun. Everyone looked so beautiful. I loved Jessica’s dress, pity that her mum is making her sell it. :(

Finally got to meet David, V. exciting moment. I’ve heard far too much about him from Erin, hehehe. Yay, my hair didn’t stuff up and the eyelash tint didn’t make me go all puffy.

Lots of dancing and um . . . singing with Dani, wait I don’t dance or um . . . sing, even if it is with Dani. I think I might have been on a happy high, not too sure, it might just have been the ½ can of red bull I stole of Reese, although I doubt it. Must have been the happy high.

It was cool to see everyone all dressed up. I think Laura is desperate to wear her dress again. I think she’s kinda pissed of with me for some reason, I think it might have something to do with Sam. After the ball, we (Year 11 friendship group + some of the year 12’s) went back to the Eakin’s place and at like 2 in the morning we decided to watch Harry Potter 2 (yes, its sad, I know) and I was sitting on the couch next to Sam and he kinda became my pillow and when Laura got up to get a drink or something she gave me a really strange look and now she isn’t talking to me. Hmmmmm, slightly strange.

I can’t wait to see all the photos. Should be great.

Lj xox

Dear D,
I have been thinking quite a bit lately about every aspect of my life. I have been thinking about my friendships, my relationships, my future, my faith, and basically just me. I have been seriously focused on my future. I still don't know where my life will end up, but I know what I want out of my youth.

First I want to finish high school. I am supposed to graduate in the year of 2006, and I will be about seventeen years old. I’m planning on going up to Perth to go to university. I want to go to UWA (University of Western Australia), but my plans on that may change later on, I’m not to sure that I would get in. I then want to settle down, marry the man of my dreams, and start a family. From there, my future is questionable.

I know I have a whole life ahead of me and I shouldn't worry so much about it now, but I want to live my life to its fullest extent. I want to make someone else's life fulfilled. I want to bear children and watch them grow. I want to die a peaceful death. I want the surreal life. The ones that only fairy tales can bring to life.

I think that contemplating on this matter is just making more questions come to mind and less answers appear. I suppose I am just a wishful thinker for life could never be that perfect, or could it?

lj xox

Dear D,
I have cooled off some. My minds river isn't raging as fast as it was earlier. I'm surprised that my thoughts haven't already drowned me. The waters of anger were torrent and high, and they still are, but they have calmed just enough for me to be able to think clearly. I wish this whole thing was just a dream, for I always survive dreams because I can just open my eyes and awaken. But I can open and close my eyes all I want and I'm still here. I'm still locked inside this nightmare.

If I sleep, will I be able to escape this reality for a short while or will it be just as real? If I sleep will I have pleasant dreams or will they be just as horrid as my life? Sleep, please come to me. I want to lie down and drift away to an imaginary place of thought. I want to just be at peace with my surroundings instead of having them all crash down on me at once.

L

Dear D,
You are a hopeless liar. I can't stand your attitude, your half truths, you perjury; I can't stand you. I can't say that about many people, but you are not just any person. You are an evil little monster, a disaster fiend. You are the plague in my life. You torment me and others as well. You sadistic little bitch, what's wrong with you? Haven't you seen the pain you put others through? Is it an uncontrollable craving to hurt others. What possesses you with such desires?

I try, but something inside of me keeps whispering that what I do is just in vain. My heart is starting to believe it, as well as my mind. I wish that you would change, but your heart is so dark that you can't even see it amongst the shadows of night.

You have lied to me repetitively and now you want me to believe what you profess to be the truth. I don't think so honey. I am not going to fall into your web of lies again, once was enough for me. I grow from my mistakes and practice the lessons learned. I don't need to go against my own intuition. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but I am just professing the honest truth {that's something you don't}. I wish to put my trust in you again, but I am not going to fool myself and pity you. All that I regret is the acceptance of the privilege given of associating with you.

ljx

Dear D,
The feeling of security is becoming stronger within me. I can feel myself taking my body back over. Thank You for Your strength. I could never repay You for all that You have done for me.

lj xox

Dear D,
I am on the edge looking down and all I see is a sheer drop off the end of a cliff. I am teetering on the edge and one wrong movement could make me fall to my death. The fall wouldn't be half as bad as the impact that the landing would have, but I prefer not to find out what either of those experiences feel like.

I may just jump. I have a feeling I'll hit rock bottom anyways, maybe I should just reach it a bit sooner and spare myself the wait. Jumping actually looks comforting, after all, my balance on life is quite tilted as it is. There are those few precious hands that hold me to solid ground, and I love them for it.

Swaying on this fine line is uncomfortable. I am on the verge of breathlessness. I hate this feeling. My friends hold me still, but you can take me up. Please help me.

L

Dear D,
Sweeter and more relaxed feelings are flowing from my heart and throughout my veins. I suppose that my time of slumber helped me cast out the part of me that didn't want reconciliation. Who was I kidding? I always want to be a peace with other people as well as myself.

My heavy heart has lifted some. I can feel my heartbeat pulsate throughout my chest once more. I hold my wrist and I can once again feel my pulse through my throbbing veins. It's comforting to know that my heart can still have an effect in my life, to know that it's still there, to know that it has just lain dormant for years.

It's such a great feeling to not be drugged off of my own ecstasy, the surreal life, the dreams I once had. It feels like while I slept, someone has injected me with a dose of reality. The vaccine is just starting to take effect. I could not feel the syringe penetrate my skin, but I know it must have been done for I would not feel so alive in such a short time span. I can't even find the puncture wound.

I am so glad my spirits have lifted. I'm happy. It's kind of weird to know that I can be joyful without having one apparent reason. I feel that I have many reasons but they are all underlined, nothing declared as official. I have never been so content being light hearted.

lj xox

Dear D,
The pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together. I am starting to realize who I am again. I am gaining the knowledge that I lost. There are still a few pieces of my life's puzzle that are missing, but I'm sure that I will be able to find them sooner or later.

Although I am relearning who I am, that doesn't mean that I am regaining the knowledge of my feelings. I'm still not sure of how to feel. My emotions are still dead, but my hands are beginning to have feeling in them. I am starting to feel them clutching onto me for protection; but my body is immobilized, which is making it difficult to protect itself. My capture could be so easily mastered, but no one would want to capture such a pitiful creature.

I know that being numb isn't what I want to be, but maybe it's better to feel nothing than it is to feel everything. I wish that my heart weren't so cold. I wish that I could allow only certain things to affect me. I wish that I could open my heart to this world, but my home isn't here.

I wish so many things, but they are all desires and I cannot make them just happen. I am growing to hate the human nature of desire because everything that I want seems to be just out my reach. I feel like a young child trying to reach for the cookie jar that is just out of my grasp.

lj xox

Dear D,
I don't know who I am anymore. I see the girl in my reflection, but don't know her. She stares at me straight in the eyes as if she knows something that I don't. Is there something to me that I don't yet know; some secret that I have kept even from myself? This girl follows me in my shadow, she surrounds me in a dark room. I am not acquainted with her, but she somehow knows everything about me. She has the knowledge of who I am, but yet somehow I didn't get that privilege.

It seems as if she whispers to me and what she says echoes out of my mouth. I mimic her every move, her every word, her every emotion. I feel like a living, breathing marionette that does whatever is asked of it.

All in all, I am lifeless, or so it seems. The reflection in the looking glass is not me. It does not portray me the way I want to be seen. Most people don't get to know me for who I am; they know my disaster fiend, my shadow, my counterfeit half. I wish to be me, the real me. . .

L

Dear D,
I keep hitting the escape button hoping that it will take me away. The desire that it will make an exit door appear before me grows stronger. Each time I hit it I become more discouraged in the prayer for a rescue. My hopeless, yet desired wishes make the warmth of my soul decline. Soon my heart will be as frigid as my stilled spirit. I am devoid of emotion, for my emotions have completely deteriorated. I wish to feel, but my current disposition is numbness. I am empty inside.

I seem to be thriving on my own, pain. Every time I experience anguish, it appears to make me more relaxed. I don't believe that I am sadistic, but from where I stand I may very well be.

Every time something majorly wrong happens in my life, I somehow find a way to hold myself together even though inside I am destroyed. My grief is concealed with a smile. For every harsh thought I cling to, another tear falls to the floor. Now I ask myself so many questions...

The opinions of myself, are they lies or truths? Is what I see in the mirror really me, or is there something burrowing itself behind my eyes? Should I trust myself and my own judgement, or should I ask of people their view of me and my choices? Am I alive or am I in a state of illusions? When will this state of mind end?

I miss knowing who I am. I miss knowing what I wanted out of life. It feels like all I can do now is look at my life's list to know what I wanted. I look at what is left of my life and I realize that I don't know anything more than things learned from a textbook. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to be me...

L

Hmmm . . . first day back at school today. V. boring indeed.

I probably wont be making as many entries now that I am back at school.

L

Dear D,
My life seems to just drag on, and my days seem to be growing longer. It feels as if my day will never come to an end and when it does, I wish that I that I could relive it. There are those days that are memorable, and there are those that I never wish to remember. Today is just one of those days. One that I could have been perfectly content without living. I am just becoming so sick and tired of my mind being distorted, why can't things just reconcile and be at peace? The confusion in my mind is making all the good experiences throughout my life fog over to the point of complete invisibility. I have no apparent reason for confusion, on this occasion at least.

The repetitive rhythmic pattern of my words used to be intriguing even to my own self, now I can't even tell if they are mine being spoken. My very own words haunt me. When I speak they echo back to me and I don't recognize them. It's like I am looking in the mirror and I don't know the girl staring back at me.

The essence of who I am and who I was is indifferent, they show no conflict in comparison. Before they were distinctly unique, but now I see them as equal halves of a whole, me. I hate my old self and I wish to completely let go of my past, but I know that if I did then I would be throwing away a part of me. I can't go back to what I was, for I was nothing more than a bug on life's windshield. I enjoy the feeling of emotion, not numbness. I just can't allow myself to transform back into that monster that I used to be. I just don't know what to do right now, but I won't can't give in.

L

Dear D,
I am in sullen colours and feeling down. I will have to wait for the laughter tomorrow might bring. One more night of deep depression; I think I can handle that. After all, I have dealt with it for years, like what's one more day? A lot! That's what. I am sick of not being able to smile and mean it. I just put on my daily façade and go on with life as normally as I possibly can. What I would do to smile and feel my spirits be lifted, for my smile not to be as face paint covering my true emotion. What I would give to be truly happy and to feel as those who feel happiness from their heart and soul, not from their mind playing tricks on them. I want joy to come back into my life.

L

Dear D,
I keep drifting away into slumber, then rudely awakened by awful dreams. Every time my eyes close I feel this weird sensation come over me. It's like the feeling of comfort, but yet a feeling of terror. I'm not too sure on how to take it. Is it something that I should fear, or is it something that I should look into?

I have no true response to this. I make it seem like these types of things don't even faze me, but truly they calm and terrify me just the same. I feel a peace about them as if something of an arousing memory has been laid to rest, but it's terrifying because I don't know what exactly was supposedly laid down.
I'm just not sure on what to feel anymore. Joyful or depressed? Anxious or angry? Maybe I should just be content with the way life is and with the events that occur in my lifetime.

I'm going to try to get some actual sleep now, and hopefully my slumber won't be interrupted again. I'm praying this feeling completely leaves my system by the break of dawn.

L